TOILET.

i had my first 2 lectures in my school basement toilet today, it consisted of never-ending tummyached, clenching of tummy and the toilet auntie who wouldnt go away.

shucks man.

im still wondering where my uninvited stomache upset came from, i feel better now, but its STILL around.. great.
anyway, i got my class today, my house is GARNET, class is 09s6 and my cca is NETBALL!!
oh well.. from tomorrow onwards, we will be in our new classes..
im going to miss trojan 4, these bunch of wonderful peeps..
sigh* its been 3 weeks we've been together, and i still remember our first day in school..
we were all so shy and quiet lol.

im goimg to take meds and going to bed.

understand me.

hello..
im munching on FAMOUS AMOS cookies right now... they are soooooo... delicious!
ok, its like 0006 am right now, and instead of going to bed, i am sitting right in front of my lappie, blogging..
i am not sure why too.. hahah

i went out today with him,
we went to vivo, had his stuff changed, and walked around window shopping.. i havent really felt this happy for quite sometime.. i had always thought that i was happy, but maybe because i often just made do with whatever, regardless how little, was given to me and be happy.

i find it hard to seek an understanding from some of my friends.

is it wrong for me to go out with somebody else after breaking off from a relatioship?

i mean, havent i been a dutiful and responsible girlfriend all these while?
i think i have been. so what exactly am i suppose to do, sit at home and cry/brood all day long?
i mean, i have a future and life to go on and move forward too, we have our own differences and difficulties, thats why we broke up.

i really really hope that my life decisions or actions will not be scrutinized so unfairly, because i have put in my best and the decision to give up really took me alot of courage.

ok. thats all for that.

next sunday's audrey's wedding, i've promised to be her sister and im looking forward to it.
evening there will be a dinner at safra and the cine clique will all be seated around the same table. i'm just worried that things will be awkward.

why does somethings have to b so difficult i wonder?
oh well. worrying does not help at all.

this week's gonna be another week of nothing but sample lecture.
why do we need to attend so many sample lectures?
i really really really wish that lessons would start quickly so that we have something really constructive to do- though i am super sure that i'm going to regret having said this now when i have a load of work to do. haha.
there might be another netball selection tomorrow after school but i don have any information about it. i am actually quite worried as i have heard wuite a few nasty remarks about netball and i am really having second thoughts about joining it.

my monsterous appetite is back and im hungry again!!
tata~ im going to have my supper and turning in soon...

how long more have i got to wait?

reality

Sometimes, only when you get into problems then will you see and realise the real friends around you.
suddenly I feel much better, I have these friens who really stay by me when im times of need, even though in happy times I'd neglected them.
kinda ashamed of myself.

But its never too late to start learning and appreciating them.

i guess 2009 is a brand new for me.
new school, new friends, new buddies, and new realtionhips, be it close or not, i am really enjoying myself now.
i am so thankful to god that he has given me all these people into my life, to help me when im down, to love me when i feel that love is scarce in this world, to comfort me when im broken into pieces, and to wake me up when i am going the wrong way.


what else can i ask for?
i might have just ended a relationship, once i thought was my life.
but i know that my life is made up of more than that, how i wish people would try to understand rather than to criticsed, to accept rather than to find faults, to help rather than to burden.

Id also learned that it is wrong to judge people by the cover, and looking back, there are many of my friends were in similar situations as me.
I am really sorry for how i had treated/judge them, without even trying to understand. i really really know how they feel.

Its valentines today, and I think I'll meet my the rest of them for at least awhile today, cant wait, i really missd them since school's started!!!

XING XING wo hao xiang ni ah!

ps.
Darren and shiying: Thank you for being there, be it to help me with my studies, give me support and advice, or cheer me out, talking to me, or let me vent and whine when im in despair.

get it right

and to you ryan,
i am sorry for yelling at you that fateful day.
but i still think you deserved to be yelled at.

i am not hiding anything.

i didnt want him to know i was there because i didnt want his day to be spoilt, my knowing that i was there. nothing else.

you said " i dont see any reason why i should help you"
for your information, you were not helping me but your own friend.
if you have any common sense, you wouldnt have want to tell him, instead of fighting with me to TELL him.

If you think that the reason why I didnt want you to tell him just because I am out with someone else, then i am sorry, you're really going the wrong direction.
For your information, I was on my way to meet Dickson, Stella, Ze xuan and Terrence that day. So the way you behaved and treated me was a downright insult..

there was no need for your cold and unfriendly treatment towards me that day, just because we broke up does not mean I am the bitch and as if I've committed a great crime.

Did you show any concern for me?
or rather, did you even ask, "How are you?"
NO.
then what the fuck was wrong with you?
I am stupid enough to treat you as a friend,and that is why i was fucking affected by your stupid actions.

Get it right, if you don intend to treat me as i how deserve, don expect anything else from me.
i am no longer the 14 year-old you knew.

try listening

and to you there,
i have already kept aside yr stuff, but i am not ready to meet you, yet.
its difficult know?
you might think that i wouldnt be feeling the way u feel, think the way u think.
I just hope to get the true understanding from you, the way you've gotten my understanding all these while.

you told me you understand, we discussed and talked about it. im sorry, again, for not handling things well in the latter part. but also again, every single word i've told you is true. you know i cant keep my emotions in, i've never been more honest to anyone than you.
i hope, really hope that u see things the way i see it.

we dont owe each other anything, but rather we've got alot to share. nobody's gonna share it with me except you. nobody will be able the share our memories.
i've loved you, im sure you know it, but things changes, people move on.

Im sorry that our dream cant come true, our hardwork wont bring us our future.

There's one thing I am really sure and I want you to know, I have never regretted every single moment with you, and I would have chosen the same route, given a second chance to be with you. memories of us will be etched in my head for the rest of my life.

but we have to move on.
I hope you'll keep your promise, come back soon, stay right here. okay?

message

to you there,
he is, has always been and forever will be a part of me,
im sorry that i says things the way i always do- without much consideration.
i often let my emotions and feelings take over me, on how i think, what i say and what i think.
believe me, everything that i've ever told you is true, as true as i see it.

i'm really sorry that it never ocurred to me that what i say will affect you so much, i wouldnt have done it if i knew it would be like this, that it would cause you so much hurt.
thank you for being there all these while, i know the feeling of accompanying someone like me at this period of time sucks, like hell. thank you for your understanding and tolerance.

you really didnt have to give up so much for me, put in so much effort for me, i really really appreciate everything you've done for me.

I'll give it to you, for what you've just asked from me, im also giving myself a chance.
but i still time, time to heal.

my own protagonist

I wonder if you know how i feel,
I wonder if u people out there really care?

Have you really been there for me? why do i need to explain things to you as if I really owe you an explanation? If I do really bother to try getting an understanding from you, you should know you really mean something to me.

I am trying my best to pick up my life again, I might not seem to be in a pool of despair or a world of grief, it doesnt mean that i am not upset.
Somehow if you guys forget, i am still a human being afterall..

Its okay, really okay that you're not there to lend a helping hand, just dont throw in a kick and push me down. its cruel.

my finale

29th january 2oo9


Everything came to an end. surprisingly un-painfully.

how i wish i had made it better.

-confusion-

I feel so uneasy, you'll be going on sunday. I really really want to go, but I cant.
Im not really sure if i shld be relieved or frustrated, I really dunno.
What would u see from the comparision between the two of us? but I know, and Im damn sure that I must meet and face her myself to overcome this awful feeling.

I know,and I can see that she's not just a friend to you.
what am I suppose to do?
maybe I shldnt do anything bout it cos its not like its causing problem?
but im really not comfortable with it.
probably just towards her.

You once said -"you're gonna grow up to be just like her", in a manner a of complimenting me.

I mean its like, you think that ITS a compliment to me. Then, well it apparently means that you know, she is just the type of girl you want you, then who am i exactly?
I am me.
I am not going to grow up and be like Iris. You date me, but not the girl-that-is-the-same-as-iris.
Ever since the day she popped into yr life, you have made alot of remarks of her to me such as:

1. she's very pretty
2.she's a model
3.she is mature ,good character-ed etc etc.

and I heard our friend who doesnt know her talk abt her latest status- SHE'S SINGLE.
you know, i don like it, not the tiniest bit, what are you?
Her fan?
Gotta go round telling ppl she's a pretty model, damn hot, recently or rather just broke up with her boyfriend laast week?

I'VE GOT FEELINGS TOO.

If she means that much to you, then there's not much point of being with me, is there?
I know you would be after her if it wasnt me. If only Im gone.

It used to be Peiyu, you defended her all the way, even when i was the one being upset, BECAUSE she didnt like me and treated me in a silent but despise manner.
It really isnt my fault that she doesnt like me for whatever apparent reasons, or im just too young for you. i am yr girlfriend you know?
I could stil remember the day you were going to watch movie with her.
we had a fight right before the movie, and you just left me behind and went in to the theater with her. I didnt even know.
I was so upset, and I told you I'll just wait for you guys to finish watching.
you said okay.
So when u came out after two hours, you told me she wanted to smoke, so I waited.
Then you msg me just to tell me you're accompanying to eat cos she's hungry, and so I waited.

It didnt occur to you that while you two were joking, laughing away, i was just sitting outside the building you two were in, all alone for almost 4 hours?
You didnt ask me if i was hungry, if i wanted to join you guys to eat?

And now its her.
Haix. i just saw her photo among some stuff that you dont want me to see.

happy

Im posting again! whoopee..haha. im kinda happy.. -im sure nobody can miss it.
Just finished my physics paper. whoopee!
It was kinda neat, well actually i was predicting that it would be difficult cos chem was definitely off my expectation.
And then..
it was really really easy!

I did study very very hard.tml's math pp02,
Im actually excited waiting for it.


This is my last year in secondary school, (i definitely need not another year =] )
and somehow somewhere inside me i still feel that Fadzli is the sexiest thing ever to walk the Earth. Seriously. He's HAWT! He's a good boyfriend too! He is just IRRESISTABLE~ even with his globe-like tummy! I love him so much!
He interupted my sentence, He typed it.

Anyway as i was saying, i just felt like i gotta stand up and run, you know run towards my dream like on a highway..
towards the life that my almost 18yrs of life has been crooning over.
Im actually trying to work my ass off.. haha. im aiming for a good sum of savings during this holiday.
i wanna ba able to play piano, go scuba diving (YEAH!!!) and buy a LV wallet, be more responsible for my own life, learn the art of fairness and.....
I wont be able to type everything out. I guess its understood abt what i really want, right?

During this period of time i didnt blog, many many small things happened, those really minor incidents and eventually i thought abt even many many more things.
Hah, am i getting to be like an old woman?
thinking too much.

I GUESS I AM HAPPY.

You hear all kinds of ppl complaining abt all kinds of things everyday.
No, i am not going to be one of them. I have beautiful friends around me, im not talking abt their looks.
They laugh with me, they care.They stand by me, give me tissue when i cry.
Some study with me during exams time, even boyfriends stick along. haha
They pick up my calls even if its 1 am, and listen to me whine.
Even when some of them cant be with me because of ns or different sch, they dont forget to call me.

And I've got him.
I'M SORRY FOR THE TIMES I'VE BEEN A BRAT, I LOVE YOU.
Thank you for always going along when i talk crazy, thank you for saying stupid things when im mad. i love you, for the times u disappoint me by telling me u cant meet me.But popping up later just to surprise me, i love you.
We had so much to go thru, so much to fight over and so many to laugh abt.
I thank god for you,
For most precious 3 yrs, and more to come.

My family is there, no matter what happens. And i'll always be there for them. I am no longer the same person i know the last time i see myself.
I wont cry anymore ,even if i do i'll cry because I'm touched.

here i am. I think i've just found myself.

A new step out

Things havent been going on well, or rather quite badly.
it seem that every single step i stretch out turns the wrong way,in the wrong direction.

im really hurting like hell.

missing piece

Hey there.
Its been so long since my last post.
unhappy incidents ocurred, and I cant figure out why.

Irving and Audrey broke up.. I mean its like, maybe due to incompatible characteristics?
But well at least they did spend quite a period of time together, did many things,
Unfortunately it dint turn out well.
Life's always like that.

It wasn't a nice ending.
I mean, u know,
There wasnt a need for that kind of ending you know?
It really came as a shock to me, along with a huge cargo of disappointment.
people come and go, I've seen examples in reality,
but must you really go that far?

And now it actually happen to Stephy and Issac..
at least I'm not THAT surprise.
I'm not trying put it that way in the sense that i wish for it to be this way,
but Steph, what have i been telling you all along?
You know, i don want u to be in the state which you ARE in now.
see what i mean?
i really hope u can get onto yr feet soon enough..

Then, had my prelims a week ago..
Its the stress that'll kill, but since I'm still alive,
I take it as i dint do that badly!!
Haha..

During these couple of weeks, i had several things running through my mind.
Sometimes i just feel that I'm really lousy at socializing..
often enough people misunderstand my intentions, or sometimes i just happen
to, u know. Say things in the heat of anger,
like spitting out the candy from my mouth accidentally.

In any case, its always too late to undo the mistake.
I've really got lots to learn.

Not only that, most of the time i feel that people around me,
they come to me just to make use of me.
Just like this guy- *u**i*.
Since we had some not really friendly past, I'm not surprise that things are like this.
I don deny that part of me still have grudge against you,
Well at least i now its not my fault.

But I've tried to see the better in you, haven't I?
I acknowledge your presence, say Hi whenever I see you in town.
What about you?

You know, I have not done you wrong in anyway.
But why do you always treat me as if I'm transparent?
Sometimes I really wonder if I'm dead - Like a ghost.
That's why you hardly acknowledge my presence,practically look through me, even when you are standing just by my side.
I am not going to tell you that I'll feel hurt.
I know you care only for this good friend of yours, but please,
use a little more common sense.
Either u call me, just to hurry me for the approval of forms,
or just to find him - When he happens to miss your call(s).

Like hello?
I am neither his mum or secretary,
if you cant get him, what makes you think that i CAN?
Since you do not have much liking for me,
It seems that you don't mind abit calling me for other purposes.

I'm sorry u know.
I'm not dumb, I can hardly find anything else to think better of you.

I guess I've really changed alot.
I feel differently about the people around me, even the closest.
And I have no idea why, it feels just really weird.
Sometimes I really wonder if people around me are trustworthy.
If I choose not to believe, I'll end up hurting him/her,
and if I do, I'll end up getting cheated.

Well, most of the time it occurs just like the latter part.

I really want to do well for my O's,and im scared.
Though I cant say that I've been really studios,
I have been doing revisions here n there in a daily basis.
Prelims 2 is just right around the corner,
I guess its time for me to start working at a faster pace.

You people there, I cant call you as friends,
because friends behave in the manner as I simply put as DISGUSTING.
I'd rather isolate myself in a corner, and I see each of you clearly.
All those pretentious acts and smiles.
Do you actually believe that they are what you see?
If you don, you are then just like them -
PRETENTIOUS.

And to you, nothing can take away what we have built together,
I'm not as good as you think, and you are really so much better than you think.
I am really uncertain about what I really want for myself- Our future.
And I am really sorry if I had done anything to upset you,
because I have never wished to hurt you.

There's a really important part of me missing right now.
I don't know what, why, who or how.. It feels just weird.
Very weird.

big problem

WANT TO LOOK IS IT? LOOK LOR!

guess

kinda of expected it- u know?
well at least i dint make a fuss out of it though i really felt like it.
i don like to accept the reality of it.never mind.
im just freaking disappointed.
counting/counted down for nothing.

today i went to do photoshooting wit x.t. and FOUR photographers.
guess how freaked out i was though i dint show it on my- im learning not to let my face be an open book of emotions anymore.
ha but they were four really friendly photographers and that really helped alot.
well..
they kept making comments about how BLACK i look
and how FAIR x.t looked.

so my conclusion was:
i look like some black woman from africa and x.t. looks like a china woman- from?
china la. of course.
but she kept inisting that she's frm japan.
-not a china woman from japan but a japanese woman from japan.
okay.enough of racist comment.

im so freakin bored here(im working)
and im falling asleep.
so much on my mind now im so stress
_AND NO BODY CAN UNDERSTAND_
okay.
done.
guess

i really dont know how.

looking at yr post really makes me speechless.
there are somethings that really need us to sort out.