TOILET.

i had my first 2 lectures in my school basement toilet today, it consisted of never-ending tummyached, clenching of tummy and the toilet auntie who wouldnt go away.

shucks man.

im still wondering where my uninvited stomache upset came from, i feel better now, but its STILL around.. great.
anyway, i got my class today, my house is GARNET, class is 09s6 and my cca is NETBALL!!
oh well.. from tomorrow onwards, we will be in our new classes..
im going to miss trojan 4, these bunch of wonderful peeps..
sigh* its been 3 weeks we've been together, and i still remember our first day in school..
we were all so shy and quiet lol.

im goimg to take meds and going to bed.

understand me.

hello..
im munching on FAMOUS AMOS cookies right now... they are soooooo... delicious!
ok, its like 0006 am right now, and instead of going to bed, i am sitting right in front of my lappie, blogging..
i am not sure why too.. hahah

i went out today with him,
we went to vivo, had his stuff changed, and walked around window shopping.. i havent really felt this happy for quite sometime.. i had always thought that i was happy, but maybe because i often just made do with whatever, regardless how little, was given to me and be happy.

i find it hard to seek an understanding from some of my friends.

is it wrong for me to go out with somebody else after breaking off from a relatioship?

i mean, havent i been a dutiful and responsible girlfriend all these while?
i think i have been. so what exactly am i suppose to do, sit at home and cry/brood all day long?
i mean, i have a future and life to go on and move forward too, we have our own differences and difficulties, thats why we broke up.

i really really hope that my life decisions or actions will not be scrutinized so unfairly, because i have put in my best and the decision to give up really took me alot of courage.

ok. thats all for that.

next sunday's audrey's wedding, i've promised to be her sister and im looking forward to it.
evening there will be a dinner at safra and the cine clique will all be seated around the same table. i'm just worried that things will be awkward.

why does somethings have to b so difficult i wonder?
oh well. worrying does not help at all.

this week's gonna be another week of nothing but sample lecture.
why do we need to attend so many sample lectures?
i really really really wish that lessons would start quickly so that we have something really constructive to do- though i am super sure that i'm going to regret having said this now when i have a load of work to do. haha.
there might be another netball selection tomorrow after school but i don have any information about it. i am actually quite worried as i have heard wuite a few nasty remarks about netball and i am really having second thoughts about joining it.

my monsterous appetite is back and im hungry again!!
tata~ im going to have my supper and turning in soon...

how long more have i got to wait?

reality

Sometimes, only when you get into problems then will you see and realise the real friends around you.
suddenly I feel much better, I have these friens who really stay by me when im times of need, even though in happy times I'd neglected them.
kinda ashamed of myself.

But its never too late to start learning and appreciating them.

i guess 2009 is a brand new for me.
new school, new friends, new buddies, and new realtionhips, be it close or not, i am really enjoying myself now.
i am so thankful to god that he has given me all these people into my life, to help me when im down, to love me when i feel that love is scarce in this world, to comfort me when im broken into pieces, and to wake me up when i am going the wrong way.


what else can i ask for?
i might have just ended a relationship, once i thought was my life.
but i know that my life is made up of more than that, how i wish people would try to understand rather than to criticsed, to accept rather than to find faults, to help rather than to burden.

Id also learned that it is wrong to judge people by the cover, and looking back, there are many of my friends were in similar situations as me.
I am really sorry for how i had treated/judge them, without even trying to understand. i really really know how they feel.

Its valentines today, and I think I'll meet my the rest of them for at least awhile today, cant wait, i really missd them since school's started!!!

XING XING wo hao xiang ni ah!

ps.
Darren and shiying: Thank you for being there, be it to help me with my studies, give me support and advice, or cheer me out, talking to me, or let me vent and whine when im in despair.

get it right

and to you ryan,
i am sorry for yelling at you that fateful day.
but i still think you deserved to be yelled at.

i am not hiding anything.

i didnt want him to know i was there because i didnt want his day to be spoilt, my knowing that i was there. nothing else.

you said " i dont see any reason why i should help you"
for your information, you were not helping me but your own friend.
if you have any common sense, you wouldnt have want to tell him, instead of fighting with me to TELL him.

If you think that the reason why I didnt want you to tell him just because I am out with someone else, then i am sorry, you're really going the wrong direction.
For your information, I was on my way to meet Dickson, Stella, Ze xuan and Terrence that day. So the way you behaved and treated me was a downright insult..

there was no need for your cold and unfriendly treatment towards me that day, just because we broke up does not mean I am the bitch and as if I've committed a great crime.

Did you show any concern for me?
or rather, did you even ask, "How are you?"
NO.
then what the fuck was wrong with you?
I am stupid enough to treat you as a friend,and that is why i was fucking affected by your stupid actions.

Get it right, if you don intend to treat me as i how deserve, don expect anything else from me.
i am no longer the 14 year-old you knew.

try listening

and to you there,
i have already kept aside yr stuff, but i am not ready to meet you, yet.
its difficult know?
you might think that i wouldnt be feeling the way u feel, think the way u think.
I just hope to get the true understanding from you, the way you've gotten my understanding all these while.

you told me you understand, we discussed and talked about it. im sorry, again, for not handling things well in the latter part. but also again, every single word i've told you is true. you know i cant keep my emotions in, i've never been more honest to anyone than you.
i hope, really hope that u see things the way i see it.

we dont owe each other anything, but rather we've got alot to share. nobody's gonna share it with me except you. nobody will be able the share our memories.
i've loved you, im sure you know it, but things changes, people move on.

Im sorry that our dream cant come true, our hardwork wont bring us our future.

There's one thing I am really sure and I want you to know, I have never regretted every single moment with you, and I would have chosen the same route, given a second chance to be with you. memories of us will be etched in my head for the rest of my life.

but we have to move on.
I hope you'll keep your promise, come back soon, stay right here. okay?

message

to you there,
he is, has always been and forever will be a part of me,
im sorry that i says things the way i always do- without much consideration.
i often let my emotions and feelings take over me, on how i think, what i say and what i think.
believe me, everything that i've ever told you is true, as true as i see it.

i'm really sorry that it never ocurred to me that what i say will affect you so much, i wouldnt have done it if i knew it would be like this, that it would cause you so much hurt.
thank you for being there all these while, i know the feeling of accompanying someone like me at this period of time sucks, like hell. thank you for your understanding and tolerance.

you really didnt have to give up so much for me, put in so much effort for me, i really really appreciate everything you've done for me.

I'll give it to you, for what you've just asked from me, im also giving myself a chance.
but i still time, time to heal.

my own protagonist

I wonder if you know how i feel,
I wonder if u people out there really care?

Have you really been there for me? why do i need to explain things to you as if I really owe you an explanation? If I do really bother to try getting an understanding from you, you should know you really mean something to me.

I am trying my best to pick up my life again, I might not seem to be in a pool of despair or a world of grief, it doesnt mean that i am not upset.
Somehow if you guys forget, i am still a human being afterall..

Its okay, really okay that you're not there to lend a helping hand, just dont throw in a kick and push me down. its cruel.

my finale

29th january 2oo9


Everything came to an end. surprisingly un-painfully.

how i wish i had made it better.